80 Funny Love, Marriage & Relationship Quotes to Make You Laugh

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Ann Bancroft”

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. – Cindy Garner”

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse. – Henry Youngman”

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller”

“Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? – Janet Periat”

“Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. – Joginder Singh”

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me. – Winston Churchill”

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip”

“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them! – Homer Simpson”

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’ – Michelle Obama”

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly”

“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner”

“Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. – Anonymous”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery. – Emma Bombeck”

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. – Cameron Esposito”

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. – Rick Reilly”

“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash”

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. – Kathy Mohnke”

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. – Mickey Rooney”

“To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash”

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes. – Anonymous”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx”

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. – Jenny Seinfeld”

“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word. – Janet Periat”

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out. – Joyce Brothers”

“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. – Joseph Barth”

“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr”

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. – Mae West”

“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot”

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. – Helen Rowland”

“Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature. – Donatella in Letters to Juliet”

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin”

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way. – Henry Youngman”

“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. – Frank Sinatra”

“My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce. – Dr. Joyce Brothers”

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being. – Lee Judge”

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. – Molly McGee”

“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband! – Bill Maher”

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner”

“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws. – Phoebe Buffay, Friends”

“Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier. – Judith Viorst”

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry. – St Elmo’s Fire”

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. – Miles Davis”

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. – Tim Allen”

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. – Natasha Leggero”

“You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake. – Rey Woodman”

“Love is sharing your popcorn. – Charles Schultz”

“Who won in life? Me. Because I get to marry you. – Chip Gaines”

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones”

“Love is being stupid together. – Paul Valery”

“Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce”

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns”

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. – Richard Lewis”

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin”

“Don’t make love by the garden gate – love is blind, but the neighbours ain’t. – Anonymous”

“You say you love flowers, but you cut them. You say you love animals, but you eat them. Now you say you love me, and I’m scared! – Anonymous”

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke”

“A good relationship is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. – Anonymous”

“It’s amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and then the next day you wonder how you lived without them, and how you live with them. – Anonymous”

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. – Ralphie May”

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock”

“When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. – Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally”

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. – Mac MacGuff in Juno”

“Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep. – Chris Hemsworth”

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. – Henry Youngman”

“Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let her sleep. – Anonymous”

“The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook… – Anonymous”

“Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself. – André Breton (popularised by Scarlett Johansson)”

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. – Blake Lively”

“Love is a strong word, but when you meet someone who really sees you, it’s transformative. – Emma Watson”

“Love is about finding your best friend and partner in crime. – Priyanka Chopra Jonas”

“The more love you give, the more you receive. It’s really that simple. – Harry Styles”

“Love isn’t perfect. It isn’t a fairy tale. It’s about fighting through the tough times together. – Jennifer Lopez”

“True love is when two people embrace each other’s imperfections. – Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex”

“Real love is about acceptance and support in its rawest form. – Lady Gaga”

“Love is the only thing that’s worth everything, no matter how hard it gets. – Chris Hemsworth”

“The most important thing is to be surrounded by love. Whether it’s friends, family, or a partner, love is what gives life meaning. – Taylor Swift”